Tag Archives: internet of things

The Treachery of Things

In my last post I talked about being over-connected by tech, so wasn’t surprised to find the following article in the Scottish Daily Mail:

The ‘smart’ clothes left languishing in wardrobes that can text their owner

If these alerts are ignored, the garments will get in touch with a clothing charity and ask to be recycled

In this brave new world that’s to be our future, I can see myself and my clothes falling out *big* time.

If they stalked off to the local charity shop and I had to fetch them home again, they’d be in the dog house for sure. Even worse would be if something I used to own gossiped about me all around town.

It was her over there; I used to be her skirt. She got tired because my label was always digging into her back… like so!… so that was me out on my ear. By the way, she paid £5 less for me than you did. Bwahahahaha.

Doesn’t it just make you want to kick that skanky rag down the stairs?

I found myself wondering if people would be able to buy ‘smart’ teddy bears. They would send you random emails… not too regularly or too frequently… just often enough to keep you guessing.

Dear Delilah

I was just thinking about you yesterday. I know you’re still alive, because I can hear you walking around the house. It’s cosy inside this bin bag and I get on well with the others, but feel somewhat taken for granted.

Ratzo next to me says he’s thinking of emailing Save the Children. He reckons he might be bought by a nice careful eleven year-old girl, someone who carries him around everywhere, but I said if he’s unlucky he will end up as a dog toy. So I wouldn’t do it.

I think I persuaded him, but you should come and talk to him yourself. He really needs to get out of here soon — I fear for his sanity.

Wait a sec, my phone rang… just off to see who it is.

Love and hugs,

Edward xx

It would be bad enough if you only had a few bears, but if you had a collection of over a dozen bears and they all sat around texting and emailing you, it would drive you to distraction.

What would be even more unbearable would be if some of your bears were wearing clothes, and those decided to start texting and emailing as well.

I’ve been on this bear for three years without a break… he doesn’t even take me off at night, which is truly abysmal. Is there a chance of a nice soothing soak in warm water with a gentle eco fabric conditioner? A jasmine-fragranced one would be perfect.

Pure fantasy, I know; it wouldn’t get that bad. But even if you only had one ‘smart bear’, it would become difficult on a whole other level. Normally, when you have a bear, you have your own idea of his character… his likes, dislikes and the kind of conversations he would have with you. It would definitely jar if he was sending emails that sounded nothing like your idea of him.

Take, for instance, the Little Witness.

He and I like all the same things, of course. We appreciate our iPad a little too much. We enjoy the games we play on it — such as Trolls vs Vikings — and are happy when Inspector Montalbano brightens the TV. We have all the time in the world for each other, and our spats and arguments are few.

I wouldn’t be happy if he took to sending emails that clashed with my picture of him.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I was looking on Amazon just now and ordered a 7″ Kindle Fire. It’s a better tablet than that over-priced Apple rubbish you have. Incidentally, we watch too much TV and lie in bed too long — it’s time we started going for some nice long walks in the early morning air. If we haven’t made it to the top of yonder hill by noon tomorrow, I will contact the local gym and book a life membership with your credit card. You don’t need to worry about the expense, as I suspect you don’t have much life left anyway, so the membership will soon expire.

I’m sorry if you don’t like me lecturing you… it’s all for your own good. The boffins at the EU told me to keep an eye on you.

Yours,

Little Witness

It would be the end of a beautiful friendship.