Last night, just as we were turning in, Mum said “I don’t know yet if I’m going to the cat show after meeting the girls in town, in which case I’ll take the bus out and get some M&S food.”
“WHAT cat show??”
“Why, the cat show in the next town! … Oh. Did YOU want to go?”
Well, no… I’ve gone off cat shows big time. To be honest, I never enjoyed myself at cat shows. They are supposed to be sociable events where you meet other cat people and introduce your pride and joy to interested visitors. But I never heard what anybody was saying, and nobody had time to stand around and write me notes (even if they knew me), and so I stopped trying. (This after years of attending cat shows, so you can’t say I never gave it a proper go).
But I’ve been feeling even more than usual lately that I don’t know what is going on; I’ve been in a permanent state of confusion, and the Great Book Disaster is simply the worst example of it. I wonder if Mum used to make more effort to fill me in, and now she’s a bit more tired and less inclined to? Meanwhile my sister hasn’t realized this, and assumes Mum tells me everything.
I keep thinking, “was it my fault I didn’t know about this; could I have been paying more attention / realizing the significance of random details / joining up the dots a bit better / asking more questions? Or did I forget things?” Sometimes that happens — but I think in most cases recently, people simply haven’t been telling me.
I woke at 5 this morning under a cloud of gloom. I remembered all those photos of me as a young child, and even as a baby to a slightly lesser extent… no smiles: tense and anxious. I read somewhere that children hate being photographed — I should think ‘to the power ten’ for deaf children, who have even less idea than hearing children what is going on.
I’m not just sitting here muttering, though; I thought “I’m going to have to deal with this situation before it gets worse. So I’ll tell Mum, and I’ll tell E, but I won’t tell either that I told the other. That way, if they’re both making more effort and not assuming that someone else is filling me in, I stand a better chance of being kept informed by SOMEbody.” Somewhere I read: “deaf people are highly manipulative, but they have to be if they are to survive.”