Geo said she puts her blog posts up without worrying too much (except for typos). I think hers always sound better than mine… down to earth and bubbly and sometimes dark and pensive, but never irritable or laboured, the way mine sometimes do. Recently I tried to write about a dark dream I had, and it came across as… I’m not sure.
I seem to be running scared of ever getting in a dark mood again, even though that’s impossible! I don’t want to be dark, and I don’t want to sound dark — maybe I’ve done too much of that in my life. But I still have things I’d like to talk about and describe, because otherwise how would people ever know or remember?
Something I rather wanted to explore, whether in my head or by blog, or journal, or email… when Joy was here on a visit, she was standing talking on her way out to the door. (She loves to talk!) I was thinking how I was more relaxed, and a while ago I would have been leaning on a door frame or sitting on a chair or something, worried about a panic attack, even if it seemed unlikely. But in the ping-pong game of conversation (or should it be volleyball?), even when I’m taking a back seat and leaving it to the other players, I know that a look will sometimes come my way, to include me (Joy is very well brought up… much better manners than me!) or to gauge my expression. So I’m still a player too.
I suppose… I do not really know what is being said, so I can’t quite react the way that’s expected. I might smile or frown in the wrong places, or just look blank and stupid (which isn’t a great option!) Or I could go away, or read a book, or watch TV, but those activities are rude when you have a guest, or are seen as rude. So you feel a bit bored, and a bit distracted (thoughts tending to drift elsewhere), and a bit stupid, and don’t quite know what to do with yourself or how to look.
And because you’re all focused on the look of the thing and don’t know what it’s all about, you feel awkward all of the time. And perhaps it’s all that awkwardness that made me nervous and (ultimately) agoraphobic.
Anyway, Joy (who I like and wish I could chat with much more) was still talking, and I was wondering how different I would be if, all of these 40 years and more, I had actually been hearing people, been focused on their words (and not just my own body language), getting involved. Would I ever have been quite as jumpy and ‘off in a world of my own’? I don’t think so, because I do like a good conversation! I would have got used to answering people and smiling in the right places, and there would have been less reason for me to feel awkward.
I wonder if I can put this up on my blog and not edit or delete it?