Posted in Agoraphobia, Hearing Loss, Life and Family

Do I Get in a Flap?

Recently I’ve frequently got “you’re paranoid!” or “you’re getting a bit worked up” from different people. As I have had several flaps lately — a good example being the Mussel Episode — I stopped to wonder.

We have such a low download limit with our ISP (the very lowest, normally intended just for people who check their emails about twice a day and download occasional software updates) that I have more than once put the two of us over our limit. Every time that happens, I lose access to the internet (get redirected to a finger-wagging page from the ISP) and I feel completely hangdog for the rest of the day. As though I’ve been ordered to go to my corner.

It’s not as if I’ve committed a terrible crime; just got a bit too enthusiastic about choosing birthday gifts on Amazon, uploading photos to my blog or viewing other people’s desktop pictures! But it’s such an unpleasant feeling (and the top-ups too expensive) that we will be moving on from this ISP — and not because they asked us to go (though presumably they would eventually ask us to upgrade).

Still, it gets me that I can feel so bad about something like that… it’s all part of the “getting worked up about nothing.”

I asked Mum if she thought I got too worried about things, and she asked for examples… I deliberately picked something small and far away that I wasn’t actually bothered about! I said I got on a train when I was 19, and a woman said “dinnae fash yersel!” when I started asking how one went about getting off trains again. “That’s normal anxiety,” said Mum.

I suppose so, though I’d much prefer to feel relaxed and in control, realizing that if certain things go wrong (such as missing my station or being refused access to Google) that it isn’t the end of the world. With my severe hearing loss, I would find a missed station more difficult to sort out than most, unless I happened across a good Samaritan, and there are many! All the same…

It makes me think of a documentary we saw yesterday about WI members. Some of those ladies had such hard stories to tell about their lives… it made me think how I’ve really had it easy compared to some. But I was struck by one of the ladies (a survivor of physical and mental abuse) — she said that every individual is convinced of his/her own importance… but none of us are at all important. Anything could happen to us, often through our own mistakes… but it’s not the end of the world. Ultimately (she said) we have to realize all of this, and be kind to ourselves.

With my brain cells fizzing gently (from getting in flap after flap, like wondering whether the Google page keeps morphing because it’s not really a Google page), I insisted on a chocolate cake today in town. Mum said “you’re the one who waves and says ‘no no, not having cake’, so why are you demanding some now?” I said “because it’s a cold and miserable day and I want a treat.”



I live in the UK with two cats -- Samson and Delilah.

3 thoughts on “Do I Get in a Flap?

  1. Oh, you should worry about Google, but for whole different reasons.

    (I’ve been a worrier for my whole life, often I just don’t put myself in unfamiliar situations, but that’s no fun at all…)

  2. I used to worry more than I do, but then I married a worrier…so I find myself worrying less, simply because he does a lot of it for me. Rather handy that 🙂 In watching how worked up he’d get about things I’ve just started to realise that I spent too much time worrying and not enough time enjoying. Maybe it’s because I’ve had to talk him down sometimes I’ve learned how that kind of worry can really get in the way of things. I found, even on our most recent holiday, even when I do all I can to get things really well organised and stress free they’re still cocked up by someone else, so I just do my best and try and enjoy myself. Really, what else can you do?
    Perhaps I go too far the other way now, but I’m a lot less stressed…:)

  3. Geo: You’re right about that; worrying too much about stuff stops one from trying new things and so on. I feel more relaxed at the moment, but I’ve been thinking that worries tend to snowball! If I’m tense about one thing, I’ll be jumpy, and if something else goes wrong, I start to think “oh nooo…”

    Pacian: You mean I should worry in case it IS a real Google page. 🙂 But funny how Google and anxiety both tend to come up in the same sentence. Even the next newspaper I picked up said that people give themselves unnecessary stress by Googling their health symptoms (ahem). Then on the next page (with a separate health-related article) the same newspaper offered a reason why one should worry…

    PS: Hoping to return to blog some time… I keep typing posts then deciding they’re too lame to foist on anyone!

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